Sad Sad Shape...

Our local Wal-Mart had a little action today. Apparently a man entered the store and became upset when they wouldn't cash his check. So he left, then called the store and threatened to start shooting people. Local law enforcement acted admirably and the Wal-Mart employees apparently even gave shoppers who were stuck in the store chips, drinks and chairs. Everyone remained calm until the situation was eventually resolved. It turns out the man was calling from his home, not from the parking lot. Read about it here.

I think the most shocking part of this story for me, is that there is someone out there who is in such bad shape that Wal-Mart won't cash his checks. Wal-Mart has an open policy to take back products purchased at another store. I can buy Target brand bread, and take it back to Wal-Mart and they will give me store credit for it. They don't plan on re-selling it but since Wal-Mart has more money than God and China put together, they can afford to take a hit on bread to keep me happy and mindlessly purchasing things from their aisles.

The only answer I can fathom is, maybe he was trying to cash one of those promotional car dealership checks. "Bring this in for $5,000 off of your purchase".

Rob -

In Braeden's Lifetime...

Heather and I got into a discussion this weekend about how quickly things change now. Here is a small list of amazing things that are totally new to us but have been known facts for Braeden's entire life.

1. The solar system only has 8 planets, not 9.
2. Brett Favre has not been a Green Bay Packer.
3. There has always been an iPhone.
4. Insulating foam is the most dangerous part of space travel.
5. Gasoline has always cost around $2.25 a gallon
6. High School kids receive laptops for class
7. We've always been at war on multiple fronts
8. Home ownership is a crappy investment
9. S.U.V's are taboo to own instead of the preferred suburban transportation

Feel free to add any other observations about the last year.

Rob -

Vacation Picture...

You can take your time, frame your shot, wait for the perfect lighting, and practice practice practice until you get it just right. But you'll never get a better vacation picture than when a squirrel decides to crash you photo at the last second...



Rob -

Super Heroes Have to Start Somewhere...

I'm convinced Braeden is going to be a world altering Super Hero. You just have to know how to recognize the signs. Super Heroes think:

"Why walk when I can fly?"
"Why open the door when I can punch through the wall?"
"Why use the microwave when I can heat it with my eyeballs?"

Or my favorite: "Why go UP the stairs and DOWN the slide when I can go UP the slide and DOWN the stairs?"













By the way, in reference to my previous post on picture taking, these were taken before I decided not to take as many photos.

Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

GET THE THIN MIIIINNNNTTTSSSS!!!

Nothing to say. I'm in advertising and this is awesome. I'm going to buy a blizzard to reward Dairy Queen for a job well done.



Rob -

Don't take a picture, it'll last longer...

There's an interesting article in the New York Times today about how viewing art has become a "lost art" in today's instant gratification society. People take the time to go to the museum, but then they breeze through so fast snapping photos as they go. Somehow, taking a picture of the artwork means you never have to go back and see it again.

I'm just as guilty of this as the next person. Take our honeymoon to Rome for example. Heather can testify that we've got 300 pictures of art, architecture, society etc... and a total of 3 pictures of her and I "in Rome". If you're not careful, you can spend so much time capturing a moment that you forget to live it to begin with. I think next time we take Braeden to the park, I'm going to leave the camera behind.

Rob -

Open Letter to the Paint Lady at Home Depot

"Really Paint Lady?!" That's what I am going to say to you, "Really?!" I'm going to bring both cans of Behr "SUPER PREMIUM ULTIMATE GOOD SHIT" paint to the counter, put them in front of you and say "REALLY?!".

The latest chapter of my struggles with interior painting comes courtesy of our builder using crappy watered down paint for the walls of our home. Every time you brush up against them, you smudge, or stain, or scuff... whatever. So Heather and I decide to go and buy some nice paint and re-do the walls of the master bedroom. It's been over a year since my last disaster laden attempt at painting so my tolerance level was at an all time high. "This won't be as bad as all the other times" I thought. Oh how naive I was.

To start our project, we picked a color relatively close to the current walls. As always, I got my army of tools ready - rollers, paint brushes, ladder, edgers, buckets, trays, tray liners.. if it's made to make painting less of a pain, I've got it in the garage. Now it was time to get the paint. It was time to invite my enemy into my home. Off to Home Depot.

If you haven't purchased paint for a while, you should know it's become something of a science. You pick your color swatch and take it to the Paint Lady. She gets your base coat - in this case we went with Behr Eggshell - and she puts it under the color dispenser. Then she scans the bar code on the back so the computer can put exactly the right amount of paint into the mixture. It's then shaken, a label is put on top, and away we go. I ordered 1 can since we're doing 1 room. Crucial error number 1.

We go home and have a relatively quick easy first coat. At this point I really think the room looks great. Future historians will no doubt label this as crucial error number 2. I'm ecstatic that we went with the good paint and it seems that, for once, I have defeated interior painting.

Rob - 1; Interior Painting - 5, I'm gaining on you...

Then a small voice echos out of the abyss - "I think we need another coat". I turn in horror to stare at Heather. Surely she didn't say that. Doesn't she remember all the other paint projects? Doesn't she know my record against this mundane household chore? "It looks really good, but I'd feel better if we put a second coat on it..."

I could only stare at my paint stained hands... "NOOOOOOOO!!" A quick glance at the can shows we don't have enough for a second coat, so it's back to the dragon's lair... the paint counter at Home Depot. I handed the Paint Lady the SAME SWATCH, and she grabbed a second can of the SAME PAINT. I watched her scan it, shake it, label it, and hand it to me. I got back in the car and headed home feeling good. Looking back I imagine it's much the same feeling that a rabbit has as he's crossing a dark highway at 2 a.m. I'm hopping along, hopping along, WHAM - some crazy tool in a Ford Festiva who's texting while eating Cheetos never even looked up.

Once I get back home Heather and I start up again. I say "the edges look good, let's just put another coat on the middle of the walls so we can be sure they're evened out." (Hopping along, hopping along...) I start rolling the high parts and she follows along getting the lower parts. We get a call from my parents who are watching Braeden. "Do you want to come over for dinner when you're done?" "Sure" we say, "This is going pretty well so we'll be over around 5:30." (Hopping along, hopping along...)

We finish around 4:45 or so and I start putting switch covers back on while Heather gets cleaned up. She comes back out and says "It looks lighter doesn't it?" (Hopping along, hopping... what's that sound?) I say "Yeah, but look around the edge, you can see how it dries darker. It's just the second coat since it's still a little damp." (Hopping along, sniffing the air, what is that noise?) "Oh, ok, do you want to take a quick shower and we can head out?" "Yep" I reply.

We enjoyed dinner, part of a movie, and a nice evening with my family and didn't get back to the house until around 8:45. I took a few minutes to put Braeden to bed and then headed to the bedroom to start moving furniture back in. Heather was standing in the middle of the room admiring our work. (Hopping along...) "Is there any chance it's still wet?" she asks. (Hopping along - Oh look a light...) "What do you mean" I say, "Nope it should be dry by now." I look up and see the same dark outline as before around each corner, each door, each trim piece... (Hopping along - WHAAAAAMMMM!) Same paint, same swatch, same Paint Lady, different COLORS... You win again Interior Painting.

So at 9 p.m. we start again. Paint cans are opened, brushes pulled back out, ladders unfolded... But it was all downhill from there. First a wet paint tray rips a small hole in a trash bag, then a ladder leg mysteriously gets paint on it and goes unseen until it leaves a trail along the carpet. Paint stains trim, hammers hit fingers - even now the night has become a blur. Where did I go wrong? Was it cutting corners with the good paint? Should I have purchased 2 cans at the same time? Would it have mattered? Or was this predestined to be yet another disaster paint job? I'll never know. But as I lay on the highway watching the Ford Festiva drive away, one thought remains... Some day Paint Lady, Someday... the roles will be reversed and I will stand victorious while you cry over a two-toned bedroom and wonder how I ever got the best of you.

Rob Carlton -

There's Always a Bigger Fish...

HA!!! I like to think that this belongs to the guy who cut me off last week on the Paseo Bridge.



Rob Carlton

h8 it...

Heather and I went to see a movie last night. We saw The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. This has nothing to do with this post, but go see it if you get a chance. It's hilarious and one of the best movies we've seen in a while!

Anyway, we were walking in and the guy at the door hands us this flier for some contest where you send in a text with the name of your movie and then you "r8 it" (rate it). No doubt, once you send them your text number you are on a list of advertisements and forever doomed to receive the "Try My Product" texts that we all try so hard to avoid paying 10 cents per message for. As I prepared to crumple the paper in disgust and throw it away I saw the logo at the bottom corner... Sprint...

I've never personally liked Sprint. They seem to throw money at re-branding every 6 months but don't spend anything to fix Customer Service, which is consistently listed as the reason they lose so many customers. They are proud to be a Midwestern company based in Kansas City but they film all their commercials in landmark locations in New York. Apparently Sprint was also having a hard time deciding if they wanted to be a part of "r8 it" or not.

On the front: brought to you by Sprint
On the back: Sprint Communications Company, L.P. is not a sponsor of this promotion

Good one Sprint, you tricky devils! You got me again!



Rob Carlton

Splish Splash...

We took Braeden to Legends a few weeks ago and he wasn't sure about the fountain. Once he started playing in it, though, he was hooked.











Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

No Photos Please...

Heather and I were playing a game with Braeden earlier tonight. He would walk out of the room and we would push the door shut. Then he would come back in and we would give him a movie star welcome - "Yeah! Braeden's here!! Look it's Braeden!" He loved it as you can see.





And then this happened. You can't set this up if you try. I guess he's exclusive to ESPN already...

The Right Tool for the Job...

One of the most important lessons I want to teach Braeden is to use the right tool to get a job done. Don't use a screwdriver when a pair of pliers is called for. Don't use a broom to clean up spilled milk etc...

However, there is one tool that doesn't really fit into any category - the Stanley FUBAR. Yes it's actually called the FUBAR.



I've looked longingly at this modern masterpiece ever since I saw a full page ad in Sports Illustrated 2 years ago. But it's one of those things you never buy for yourself, much like new underwear (wait, is that just me?) So I jumped at the chance to buy it for my Brother-In-Law recently and then stand over his shoulder saying "that wall doesn't need to be there." "Who really needs 3 toilets in their house?"

I finally got through to him when the microwave quit working. Sure, it could have been unplugged, but we'll never really know will we?



That's right Braeden, if you're keeping score,

Stanley FUBAR - 1 ; Common Sense - 0

Definitely the right tool for the job!

Rob Carlton

Rock Paper Scissors Crap...

I am a competitive person to a fault. When I was in college, my roommate and I could make a competition out of anything. I distinctly remember trying to knock cans off of the kitchen counter with a hockey stick and puck from across the room. Who does that?!

So when it comes to putting Braeden to bed, the perfect storm comes together. Someone's got to do it and it's not always pleasant. If he's ready for bed it's great. Just read him two books, maybe sing a song or two and he's ready to sleep. But if he's not ready he'll let you have it. So the logical thing to do would be to pass off every other night. I'll put him to bed on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and Heather takes Tuesday and Thursday right? But noooo. Mr. Competition has to come out. So each night when it's time for bed Heather and I look at each other and out of instinct, out of sheer stupidity, my fist comes up in the universal "wanna Rock,Paper,Scissors for it?" sign. And each night, she out maneuvers me and wins. I don't know how it's statistically possible to loose 16 straight R-P-S challenges, but I've done it.

No hard feelings though. I would totally destroy her in Kitchen Hockey...



- Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

Burning Bernie...

It's interesting the opportunities that a person will seize when they are presented to them. Take Larry Levine for example.



Larry was sentenced to federal prison for narcotics trafficking, securities fraud, racketeering, obstruction of justice, and machine guns. But Now Larry has paid his debt to society and is out making a living. Is he bagging groceries? Is he pumping gas or digging ditches? Nope, Larry is a consultant. He lets White Collar Criminals know what to expect when they loose their court cases and head off to jail. Important things like, "on your first day, pick someone really big and beat him senseless or you'll end up as someone's girlfriend." But guess who Larry Levine is disgusted with; Bernard Madoff. The exact quote is:

"Now, I had Madoff’s reps get a hold of me before he went into custody and I turned them down. I wouldn’t help the guy out because I view him as an economic terrorist. If you rip off a bank and insurance company, an institution, that’s an acceptable crime. Bernie hurt people. He hurt people individually and I refuse to help people like that. Let him rot in hell."

I like Larry Levine.

- Rob Carlton

The Value Factor...

I think it's funny that you always know exactly how much someone's shirt costs. Try this out sometime. Walk up to a friend and say "Hey, that's a nice shirt!". There are only two possible responses to this statement.

1. "Thanks, can you believe I got this at Old Navy for 10 dollars?!"

2. "Oh, thanks."

If it's number 2 you know they paid WAYYYYY too much for that shirt.

- Rob Carlton

The King and Queen of Hate...

I was flipping through the channels last night and happened to cross Fox News where Bill O'Reily was interviewing Ann Coulter. I blacked out for about 45 minutes and when I came too the show was over. Hopefully there will be no lasting effects. However, if I start making ridiculous accusations of minorities plotting to overthrow the government by having more babies or 9/11 widows using the tragedy of the New York attacks to further their acting careers, call me on it.



- Rob

Future Do-It-Yourselfer...

Took The Boy to Home Depot yesterday. He started drooling in the power tool aisle. It could have been teething but I choose to think that he was thinking of all the good he could do in this world with a new Dewalt 28 volt Hammer Drill.



- Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

Kobe the Riot Maker...

Call me a naive Midwesterner but I don't see the correlation between my team winning the championship and the need to burn my neighbors Impala to a smoldering heap of metal. Maybe it's because Kansas City hasn't won a playoff game in any sport in 16 years. Hopefully this is our year though because I need some new shoes!





Congrats Lakers Fans...

- Rob

The Oven Question...

I was cooking a pizza in the oven and I turned by back for 2 seconds. In that time, Braeden decided to drunk-stumble across the kitchen yelling "DOOOOOOOO!!" - Hands outstretched heading right for the oven door. I turned and yelled - NO! but it was too late. Little hands came into direct contact with oven glass.

Braeden turned to me and started crying right away and my heart fell through the floor. My mind started formulating the plan right away - grab him, call 911, run his hands under cool water, head for the car... - Then I realized that he wasn't crying from pain, he was crying because I had scared the crap out of him. I reached down and touched the glass gingerly and it was cool.

After a little consoling I put him down and he wandered off to play with his cars. I stood dumbfounded at the oven and continued to put my hands on the glass but no matter how many times I touched it, same result - cool. I've lived in that house for over 3 years being as cautious as I could so I wouldn't burn myself on the oven door. But it turns out burning yourself on the oven door is a thing of the past.

So here's the question. Do I still warn him about it? It's been drilled into me so hard to avoid the oven door that it seems irresponsible not to. Yet another parenting question that now keeps me up at night, and he can't even ask questions yet. I bet I have some interesting situations on the horizon...

- Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

It Finally Happened...

So, I've been proud, pissed, tired, happy, sad, angry, tired, excited, unsure, nervous, tired, ecstatic, confused, worried, did I mention tired? All these are emotions I have experienced in the last year thanks to my baby boy. Right about the time I feel like I've gotten a handle on things, however, I get an email from daycare. They said that Braeden was doing so well with the gradual transition to the toddler room that they were thinking it was in his best interest to skip the transition and move him full time to toddlerville.

My first response was "NO - HE'S TOO YOUNG! He'll get trampled by the other kids, he doesn't know how to use a spoon yet, he needs his two naps a day"... on and on. But for the first time, I had to step back and let him do what was best for him. When I went to pick him up from daycare, this is what I found.



As I stood there balling like a little girl I realized that he's started a whole new chapter in his life and so have I. I'm terrified of having to live this moment over and over again for the rest of my life, but I'm excited to see what then next step brings for him. He's no longer a baby, he's a toddler and it took no time at all to get here. Eyes back on your own plate girly... He's still TO YOUNG to date!

Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

Destructo!!!

It seems that The Boy and a tornado have a lot in common when it comes to cake.





-Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

Open Letter to Black and Decker...

Dear Black and Decker Development Team:

I wanted to thank you for the invention of the Dust Buster. It is, so far, the most effective tool for removing corn bread from my son's hair.

Thank you,

-Rob

Welcome to All...

I found something interesting on Analytics yesterday. Check it out.



There's only one explanation for this. Obviously President Obama is a fan of Carltonology! He's only visited once and he spent a total of zero minutes and zero seconds on the site, but he's a fan. I'll let you know when my portion of the stimulus package arrives...

Rob -

Number 1!

We're the number 1 site on Google if you search for "Braeden Carlton"! Congratulations to Braeden for winning that honor. If you Google "Rob Carlton" you get a B-List Sci-Fi movie actor and a weird band. (Before you ask, neither one pertains to me).

Oddly enough, Yahoo and MSN Search do not have him at the top. All you get is Soap Opera references if you "Yahoo" or "MSN" Braeden Carlton. This leads me to the obvious question of "Why are you using anything but Google anyway?"

And now a little gift for all of you. Here's the guy you get if you Google my name.



I hate that this guy doesn't look like a movie star should look.

Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

Just Came Across This Photo...

"Ease up off my eggs homeboy..."

Open Letter to 21 Year Old Braeden - #2

Hey buddy,

Sorry about the whole "no-pants" trip to Babies R' Us tonight. It's been a while since you managed to pee out a diaper and we just plain weren't ready for it. Your mom says it's fine but I kind of think that there's a social acceptability to not wearing pants that disappears once you're able to walk. I know I'd be all for a trip to Target in my boxers but society says otherwise so what are you gonna do?

Anyway, I'm sure this will never come up again. I'm sure that one day when you bring home "the one" to meet ol' mom and dad that we won't bring up the time you ran half naked through the baby-safety aisle and yelled "DOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" while we tried to chase you. Don't worry though, we'll just show her this and she'll think you're soooo cute...



Can't wait to meet her.

Dad -

Defeated by a Toddler...

I never realized the effort it takes to keep a 1 year old from throwing a dinner roll off of the table. I understand why parents always look so somber and defeated when they are out in public now.



On a side note, we went out to eat on Saturday night and there was a couple sitting next to us that looked like they were in the beginning stages of dating (perhaps 3rd or 4th date). Braeden started hooting at everything like he was starving and I eventually had to take him outside. As we were sitting in front of the resturaunt the couple came out and I caught the tale end of the conversation with the guy saying "And that's why I don't want kids..."

If there is any justice in the world, his 80's style pop-collar and greasy hair will guarantee that he doesn't even get the chance for quite a while.

Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton -

Follow up...

As a submission to lock up my position for Next Year's "Father of the Year Award"... June 7th is a Sunday so I actually wrote down the appointment wrong again.

Rob -

Father of the Year...

I got a notice on my Gmail Calendar yesterday that Braeden had a Dr.s Appointment at 11 am. I knew nothing about it so I emailed Heather and she replied that she didn't know about one either and that the next appointment she had down was on May 28th at 11 am. I decided to call the Pediatrician's office. Here is a transcript of that call:

Nurse: Priority Care Pediatrics, how can I help you?

Me: Hello, I've got an appointment today and I can't make it.

Nurse: What's your child's name?

Me: Braeden Carlton

Nurse: [Long pause] - Sir, I don't have anything down for Braeden.

Me: Ok, I must have written it down wrong, the next appointment is on the 28th of May right?

Nurse: [Long pause] - Um... no the next appointment I have is June 7th.

Me: Huh, the 7th? Are you sure it's not May 28th?

Nurse: I'm sure sir. I have a note here that a nurse called you a week ago and asked you if they could re-schedule the appointment for June 7th because the Dr. is out on May 28th. [Her voice now changed to a parent / child voice] - Do you remember that conversation sir?

Me: Um... kind of. [I look forward in my calendar and see an appointment set up for June 7th.] - Yeah, I remember it now.

Nurse: Ok sir, so your appointment is on June 7th at 3:30. Is that day and time still alright with you?

Me: [Tough guy voice] - Yes, it's fine.

Nurse: [Now a Grandma / grandchild voice] - Do you want to go ahead and write that down so you don't forget?

Me: [Long pause] - yes... thank you...

I'm still not sure where the May 11th appointment came from, but at this point I'm not surprised that it's in there.

Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

Heather's New Ride...

We tried to make her wait until her birthday. But you know how persistent she can be...







Rob -

Let's Go For a Ride!

Falling in the same ridiculous category as "directions for use" on a shampoo bottle, The Surgery Center in Liberty, MO has a policy that no patient can leave the building unless a nurse is pushing them out in a wheel chair. Of course wheel chairs are not built for 11 month old babies so guess who got to climb in and carry the little guy when he woke up from his ear tube surgery? I'm sure you can imagine the looks I got from the other dads when they saw a 94 lb nurse pushing this through the waiting room...



Let's all thank Heather for having the presence of mind to capture the moment for posterity... - By the way, Braeden's surgery went great and he's feeling 1000% better already. Thank you all for the support.

Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton -

International Blog of Mystery...

I checked the numbers for April and Carltonology has had it's best month ever with 87 visitors! And we've now gone international with visits from real countries like Argentina, Spain, Norway and India as well as fake countries like Canada and France.



Yeah Baby!

Rob -

Yummy!!

Things I've pulled out of Braeden's mouth this week:

1. My cell phone
2. Heather's cell phone
3. A dead ladybug - yes really
4. A weirdly colored piece of string
5. My finger - he bites really really hard
6. Dirt
7. His own sock

Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton -

Anatomy of a Sugar Crash...

First trip to Cold Stone with The B Man. The following takes place between 4:00 pm and 4:05 pm...


Uh... hey guys, that looks good, what is that?


Nom nom nom...


Very interesting... Much better than mashed carrots and cereal I think.


DEFINITELY BETTER, MAN THIS IS GOOD WOW DADADADADADADADA LET'S RUN AROUND AND CHASE BIRDS OR WE CAN GO OUTSIDE AND YELL REALLY LOUD OR...


HEY HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HAD ICE CREAM BEFORE IT'S AWESOME YOU SHOULD TRY IT IT'S SOOOO GOOD AND I REALLY LIKE IT AND I'M GOING TO TALK NONSTOP FOR A LONG TIME AND MAYBE I'LL HAVE SOME MORE GIVE ME ANOTHER BITE BEFORE I EVEN SWALLOW THIS ONE MAN THIS IS REALLY REALLY GOOD


Whew... that ice cream is good stuff... really like... it...


hey guys... have we been here a... really long time... are you tired..?


time to go...


ice... cream... is... sooo... zzzzzzzzz

Rob Heather and Braeden Carlton -

A Mule of a Different Color

I recently discovered that the mule is the state animal of my home state of Missouri. For those of you who grew up somewhere besides the Mid-West, a mule is what happens when a horse and a donkey love each other very much.

Now in my opinion, a horse is too stupid to be as strong as it is. So I don't understand the logic of intentionally breeding something simply because it's stronger and stupider than a horse. But that's what a mule is. It's a dumber, stronger horse. Here's the kicker though (no pun intended). The reason you have to breed a horse and a donkey is because mules are sterile. Two mules can not create a third mule.

So that's how we decided to represent ourselves to the rest of the nation. Hey everybody, we're the idiot sterile work-horse, Missouri. It's really no wonder that people living on the coasts call us the "Fly-over States".



Rob -

Um...

Any lingering doubt that Heather and I had of Braeden being switched at birth was eliminated this morning when he got his head stuck under the couch. He's definitely my son...

Funny Daddy...

I laugh in uncomfortable situations. I can't help it, it's just what I do. It really pisses Heather off but I can't help it. Just the same way you can't help crying at sad movies, or pulling your hand off of a hot stove, I start giggling when something bad happens. Let me make it clear that I don't enjoy bad things happening to people, it's just a physical response to the emotional discomfort created by tense situations.

Let me give you an example. A few years ago, Heather told me that her dad had been attacked by a Pit Bull and I started laughing (sorry Biff). I don't think it's funny at all and I'm very glad he's ok but I started laughing none-the-less. So imagine my dismay when I discovered that out of all the things I want to pass on to Braeden, this is what he got.

We discovered it a while back and at first, I thought nothing of it. Braeden was playing with the buttons on the DVR and I said "NO, - Braeden, NO". He stopped, turned his head... and laughed. Then he went right back to pushing buttons. Since then it's evolved to him laughing at me in a variety of situations. Here's a list of what's been hilarious over the last week.

1. Don't touch the buttons on the DVR
2. Don't stick that in the outlet
3. Don't put that in your hair
4. Don't put that in your mouth
5. I said don't put that in your mouth
6. Get away from the stairs
7. DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH

I think the thing that scares me most is that he'll laugh when I get attacked by a dog... By the way, it's exhausting laughing at everything.



Rob Heather and Braeden Carlton -

Let's Celebrate!

I'm not a "card guy" per se. I rarely think about sending birthday cards, or having congratulation cards on hand for various accomplishments of my friends and family. In fact, I rarely see the inside of a Hallmark store unless it's the day of the event or I've been dragged in by Heather. It just doesn't occur to me that sending a card is the proper response to anything.

But some friends of ours are getting ready to baptize their first child and we needed a card to go along with the gift. So while she tried to select the perfect "Happy Baptism" card to express how we felt, I decided to peruse the aisles and see what other special occasions could be marked with the presentation of art combined with clever lines of text from the people at Hallmark. That's when I came across this:



That's right, "Thank You For Dinner". While I will admit that I may be on the far end of the spectrum regarding how often someone sends a card... who would possibly send one of these? And what do you write on the inside?

"Dear Thelma, the meatloaf last Tuesday was fabulous. The potatoes were a little dry, but that's to be expected from a convection oven. Hope you and your 15 cats are doing well."

I guess this is yet another product that I'm not the target market for. I also don't understand the creepy valentines doll that sings "Lets Get It On" to you when you enter the store. But enough about my inability to understand the appeal of Hallmark. If I don't get started on these "Thanks for Reading my Blog" cards, I'll never get all of them in the mail.

Rob -

Thanks Mitch!

Senator Mitch McConnell thinks that Americans have become desensitized to how much money 1 trillion dollars really is.

I can't speak for everyone else, but as an "Average American" I know exactly how much money 1 trillion dollars is. I don't need loosely veiled comparisons to spending habits in the time of Jesus Christ or the visual of 1 trillion dollar bills stacked halfway to the moon. I know that those sums of money don't actually exist as anything more than concepts. If you can't comprehend it, try and type a 1 with 12 zeros behind it into your desktop calculator. You'll most likely run out of space at 10 million, which puts you at 1/100,000th of the amount you're looking to understand.

So Senator, thanks but I understand the concept of 1 trillion dollars. Free up a few hours in your schedule and I'll be happy to come to Washington with 100,000 desktop calculators and explain it to you. It's becoming increasingly obvious that you and all your congressional buddies have no idea.

-Rob-