Open Letter to the Paint Lady at Home Depot

"Really Paint Lady?!" That's what I am going to say to you, "Really?!" I'm going to bring both cans of Behr "SUPER PREMIUM ULTIMATE GOOD SHIT" paint to the counter, put them in front of you and say "REALLY?!".

The latest chapter of my struggles with interior painting comes courtesy of our builder using crappy watered down paint for the walls of our home. Every time you brush up against them, you smudge, or stain, or scuff... whatever. So Heather and I decide to go and buy some nice paint and re-do the walls of the master bedroom. It's been over a year since my last disaster laden attempt at painting so my tolerance level was at an all time high. "This won't be as bad as all the other times" I thought. Oh how naive I was.

To start our project, we picked a color relatively close to the current walls. As always, I got my army of tools ready - rollers, paint brushes, ladder, edgers, buckets, trays, tray liners.. if it's made to make painting less of a pain, I've got it in the garage. Now it was time to get the paint. It was time to invite my enemy into my home. Off to Home Depot.

If you haven't purchased paint for a while, you should know it's become something of a science. You pick your color swatch and take it to the Paint Lady. She gets your base coat - in this case we went with Behr Eggshell - and she puts it under the color dispenser. Then she scans the bar code on the back so the computer can put exactly the right amount of paint into the mixture. It's then shaken, a label is put on top, and away we go. I ordered 1 can since we're doing 1 room. Crucial error number 1.

We go home and have a relatively quick easy first coat. At this point I really think the room looks great. Future historians will no doubt label this as crucial error number 2. I'm ecstatic that we went with the good paint and it seems that, for once, I have defeated interior painting.

Rob - 1; Interior Painting - 5, I'm gaining on you...

Then a small voice echos out of the abyss - "I think we need another coat". I turn in horror to stare at Heather. Surely she didn't say that. Doesn't she remember all the other paint projects? Doesn't she know my record against this mundane household chore? "It looks really good, but I'd feel better if we put a second coat on it..."

I could only stare at my paint stained hands... "NOOOOOOOO!!" A quick glance at the can shows we don't have enough for a second coat, so it's back to the dragon's lair... the paint counter at Home Depot. I handed the Paint Lady the SAME SWATCH, and she grabbed a second can of the SAME PAINT. I watched her scan it, shake it, label it, and hand it to me. I got back in the car and headed home feeling good. Looking back I imagine it's much the same feeling that a rabbit has as he's crossing a dark highway at 2 a.m. I'm hopping along, hopping along, WHAM - some crazy tool in a Ford Festiva who's texting while eating Cheetos never even looked up.

Once I get back home Heather and I start up again. I say "the edges look good, let's just put another coat on the middle of the walls so we can be sure they're evened out." (Hopping along, hopping along...) I start rolling the high parts and she follows along getting the lower parts. We get a call from my parents who are watching Braeden. "Do you want to come over for dinner when you're done?" "Sure" we say, "This is going pretty well so we'll be over around 5:30." (Hopping along, hopping along...)

We finish around 4:45 or so and I start putting switch covers back on while Heather gets cleaned up. She comes back out and says "It looks lighter doesn't it?" (Hopping along, hopping... what's that sound?) I say "Yeah, but look around the edge, you can see how it dries darker. It's just the second coat since it's still a little damp." (Hopping along, sniffing the air, what is that noise?) "Oh, ok, do you want to take a quick shower and we can head out?" "Yep" I reply.

We enjoyed dinner, part of a movie, and a nice evening with my family and didn't get back to the house until around 8:45. I took a few minutes to put Braeden to bed and then headed to the bedroom to start moving furniture back in. Heather was standing in the middle of the room admiring our work. (Hopping along...) "Is there any chance it's still wet?" she asks. (Hopping along - Oh look a light...) "What do you mean" I say, "Nope it should be dry by now." I look up and see the same dark outline as before around each corner, each door, each trim piece... (Hopping along - WHAAAAAMMMM!) Same paint, same swatch, same Paint Lady, different COLORS... You win again Interior Painting.

So at 9 p.m. we start again. Paint cans are opened, brushes pulled back out, ladders unfolded... But it was all downhill from there. First a wet paint tray rips a small hole in a trash bag, then a ladder leg mysteriously gets paint on it and goes unseen until it leaves a trail along the carpet. Paint stains trim, hammers hit fingers - even now the night has become a blur. Where did I go wrong? Was it cutting corners with the good paint? Should I have purchased 2 cans at the same time? Would it have mattered? Or was this predestined to be yet another disaster paint job? I'll never know. But as I lay on the highway watching the Ford Festiva drive away, one thought remains... Some day Paint Lady, Someday... the roles will be reversed and I will stand victorious while you cry over a two-toned bedroom and wonder how I ever got the best of you.

Rob Carlton -

There's Always a Bigger Fish...

HA!!! I like to think that this belongs to the guy who cut me off last week on the Paseo Bridge.



Rob Carlton

h8 it...

Heather and I went to see a movie last night. We saw The Proposal with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. This has nothing to do with this post, but go see it if you get a chance. It's hilarious and one of the best movies we've seen in a while!

Anyway, we were walking in and the guy at the door hands us this flier for some contest where you send in a text with the name of your movie and then you "r8 it" (rate it). No doubt, once you send them your text number you are on a list of advertisements and forever doomed to receive the "Try My Product" texts that we all try so hard to avoid paying 10 cents per message for. As I prepared to crumple the paper in disgust and throw it away I saw the logo at the bottom corner... Sprint...

I've never personally liked Sprint. They seem to throw money at re-branding every 6 months but don't spend anything to fix Customer Service, which is consistently listed as the reason they lose so many customers. They are proud to be a Midwestern company based in Kansas City but they film all their commercials in landmark locations in New York. Apparently Sprint was also having a hard time deciding if they wanted to be a part of "r8 it" or not.

On the front: brought to you by Sprint
On the back: Sprint Communications Company, L.P. is not a sponsor of this promotion

Good one Sprint, you tricky devils! You got me again!



Rob Carlton

Splish Splash...

We took Braeden to Legends a few weeks ago and he wasn't sure about the fountain. Once he started playing in it, though, he was hooked.











Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton

No Photos Please...

Heather and I were playing a game with Braeden earlier tonight. He would walk out of the room and we would push the door shut. Then he would come back in and we would give him a movie star welcome - "Yeah! Braeden's here!! Look it's Braeden!" He loved it as you can see.





And then this happened. You can't set this up if you try. I guess he's exclusive to ESPN already...

The Right Tool for the Job...

One of the most important lessons I want to teach Braeden is to use the right tool to get a job done. Don't use a screwdriver when a pair of pliers is called for. Don't use a broom to clean up spilled milk etc...

However, there is one tool that doesn't really fit into any category - the Stanley FUBAR. Yes it's actually called the FUBAR.



I've looked longingly at this modern masterpiece ever since I saw a full page ad in Sports Illustrated 2 years ago. But it's one of those things you never buy for yourself, much like new underwear (wait, is that just me?) So I jumped at the chance to buy it for my Brother-In-Law recently and then stand over his shoulder saying "that wall doesn't need to be there." "Who really needs 3 toilets in their house?"

I finally got through to him when the microwave quit working. Sure, it could have been unplugged, but we'll never really know will we?



That's right Braeden, if you're keeping score,

Stanley FUBAR - 1 ; Common Sense - 0

Definitely the right tool for the job!

Rob Carlton

Rock Paper Scissors Crap...

I am a competitive person to a fault. When I was in college, my roommate and I could make a competition out of anything. I distinctly remember trying to knock cans off of the kitchen counter with a hockey stick and puck from across the room. Who does that?!

So when it comes to putting Braeden to bed, the perfect storm comes together. Someone's got to do it and it's not always pleasant. If he's ready for bed it's great. Just read him two books, maybe sing a song or two and he's ready to sleep. But if he's not ready he'll let you have it. So the logical thing to do would be to pass off every other night. I'll put him to bed on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and Heather takes Tuesday and Thursday right? But noooo. Mr. Competition has to come out. So each night when it's time for bed Heather and I look at each other and out of instinct, out of sheer stupidity, my fist comes up in the universal "wanna Rock,Paper,Scissors for it?" sign. And each night, she out maneuvers me and wins. I don't know how it's statistically possible to loose 16 straight R-P-S challenges, but I've done it.

No hard feelings though. I would totally destroy her in Kitchen Hockey...



- Rob, Heather and Braeden Carlton